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Aug. 6th, 2012

Today we euthanized our sockodog. We've waked him all afternoon and evening, since he is too large for us to bring home and bury. He ran downhill over the last week and when we took him in today to hospitalize him, he was jaundiced and had a large mass in his abdomen. We hadn't hospitalized him over the weekend because the vet doesn't have kennel attendants over the weekend. I feel we made the right decisions, but I hate making veterinary decisions with a burning passion. I understand it's part of having pets, and death is part of life, but I'm pretty devastated right now.
He was our first shared pet. He was both of our first dog that wasn't a family dog with our parents. He was an amazing, smart, handsome and funny boy, and Im going to miss him fiercely.

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Back from Campout, so tired but it was pretty good, financially and otherwise. Then did a henna talk and henna-ing of teenagers at K's library today. Lot of driving. Also, in more exciting news, it's my anniversary with psm!!! Five years! And the anniversary of bringing home our pinky kitty.

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Mighty funky

  Feeling mighty funky today.  Don't know if it's allergy meds, barely controlled headache, or if I'm coming down with some plague, but I am certainly not feeling 100%.   In fact, kinda dizzy and woozy and sleepy. But I will muscle through the rest of the work day. because we're Beaverses.



Today I award myself a medal for not FUCKING killing anyone.

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Wounds, scars and the rush to forgiveness.

    I live at the intersection of a lot of smallish and clannish communities, and I get to sit and talk in depth with people from wider society on a daily basis.  I love listening to people, I love hearing about their lives and I spend a pretty decent amount of time in my head thinking over the conversations and observations.  Something I notice a lot of is a premature rush to forgiveness.  The staid old cliches of 'free rent in your head' and 'not giving them the satisfaction' come to mind and often to folks lips when they've been wronged. Blame is useless, trying to control someone else's actions pointless, letting what anyone has done to you hurt you is just giving them power.
     I smell bullshit.  If I have actually been emotionally vulnerable to someone and they have hurt me, no amount of mental gymnastics is going to make it all about my choice of reaction, especially if they knew better.  My suspicion of what is going on is that, especially in a clannish little community, negative emotions are ugly, damaging, to be stuffed down, ignored, or rushed through.  But trying to deny that someone's actions have caused emotional damage is like saying 'poof, i never actually cut my finger!'   Damage happened and it sucks to admit someone had the power to reach in and change your emotional weather, but it happens.  And sometimes it scars.
     I can think my around the scars, I can weigh my part in the interaction, I can even try to ignore them, but I think it's foolish to do any of these things when those scars are part of my makeup now. I may have regrets that I let a damaging person in so much and really wish I could deny them the power of changing me, but that feels to me like denying reality. Rushing through or trying to change my bad reaction and feelings is more comfortable for everyone else, but how much of my own reality and learning does that deny me?
      I have a grudging nature, I'm hard to get all the way to angry, but once I'm there you can bet it's going to last a good long while.  Half the reason for that is my own part in it, which FAR too often comes from me trying to be forgiving and understanding, trying to ignore my scars that I won through hard learning. And then: more scars. 
       On a community-wide basis, this creates people who have little idea of their real impact on the emotions of others.  They offend and are forgiven so quickly that it clearly must not be a big deal. so they take it a step further and so on. But it's soooo squirmy dealing with negativity!  I want to be all about the love!!!  You can't control people's actions!  All of this is true, but my emotional scars show me where to draw boundaries, they show me how to set consequences. Experiencing my anger tells me how deep the damage is, and why I should be wary next time. It does make things harder. The person who has transgressed may never have transgressed against anyone else, it may only bother me, and everyone around me may be utterly confused about why I can't just let it go and get along like everyone else with this totally awesome person. And sometimes it would be a lot easier.  But then I'm betraying myself and my experience; I'm not respecting my scars.

Just had a terrifically frustrating dream where I was in a museum trying to find any of my boyfriends and they had always just left the room. Grrrrr! On the plus side, there was a cool part where I swapped places with some 17th century guy through a painting.

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Responsible slut is responsible! HIV negative. Once I was inside that planned parenthood was significantly less manky than it appeared from the outside. I think I'll still pony up the 2 Benjamin's to go to my regular fancy gynecologist for pap smears, though. I like being asked if I plan anything gynecologically adventurous for the year and being told I look like a million bucks while he's checking the undercarriage. :D
The planned parenthood was a little fussy about letting me have other Sti testing given my age and regular condom usage, and the tech was confused by polyamory. I was a bit bothered by her cross-contaminating the file, too, handling it with gloves that were pretty heavily tainted with my blood. So, reasons for the more spendy doctor to handle my lady bits.

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    I'm thinking of moving to a smaller location, still in Summit, and going appointment only. I mostly function as appointment only as is, and if I went appointment only I could schedule around weekends when I wanted to go do fun things! Weekends!  What a savory thought. I'm leery of change, as always, so I'm going to be thinking this over long and hard as I start looking around for a smaller, newer and cheaper location. Things are not so far out of balance that I'm desperate to upset the current flow, this might just make life a leetle wee bit more adjustable and fun. Bellydance performance! Biking events! Kink events! Visiting friends who work regular jobs on their ACTUAL DAYS OFF!  Having friends with regular jobs visit me without me disappearing to work all day!  But before I get to giddy I'm going to sit on it for a while and figure out how much it would impact the cash flow.
      And in my other work, the real art, I actually drew something not-for-tattooing and not-for-illustration last night!  I'm toying with some new water soluble wax crayons and watercolor pencils, I might layer some regular colored pencils on top. We'll see if it flies.  I have a crapload of business stuff to do this week, taxes,bills, and organization, as well as basement cleanup, but at least the basement cleanup will let me get the dining table and chairs down there and stored instead of hulking in the middle of my studio. Then maybe I'll *gasp* paint!
     I decided that I've been mildly and well-repressedly depressed after last years massive flub up, and the time has come to institute the good self-care habits that keep me cheerful.  I've already started the better eating (yeahyeah, it was at new years, eyeroll) and the regular exercise, now I need to treat my art as a bit more of a job and be a bit more productive.  It's kind of a pain when the money job is bundled up with the not-so-money job, it tends to suck up a lot of the energy and productiveness.  But I'm suspecting it's what I need, since I started having a "Now what?" moment.  I have the shop, it's running and I love it, but I'm feeling a bit stagnated. I think I need to split off focus into both making more art that is not yet homed and pursuing more illustration opportunities.  It amuses me that whenever my thoughts wander into dissatisfaction with work, my immediate answer is always MORE WORK!

Productive Hibernation

From January 4th through March 4th, I will be "hibernating".

Not too long ago, November 20th in fact, I was one of the featured readers for The Chicago Way along with three other amazing writers. At that reading, I read an excerpt from the novel I'm working on. The response was overwhelming! I got a lot of positive feedback from people I respect and admire. It was exactly what I needed. But even though I've been working on being more consistant with my writing, I still haven't gotten into making it the priority it needs to be. So I'm taking 2 months off.
But what does this mean? You may ask. (Well, you may not be asking, but I sure am!)
  1. From Jan. 4th until March 4th, I will be taking off from everything except work & writing
  2. In the month of January, I will only be going out to socialize if the focus is on writing (as in a meal & writing with a friend who's also either writing or doing some other creative endeavour)
  3. In the month of February until March 4th, I will also include open mics and other writerly events
  4. During these 2 months, I will not watch TV or movies or any shows and will limit most of my email & internet usage to work & writing related research or corrospondances
  5. For the first month, along with working on my novel, I will be editing & polishing my short stories
  6. In the second month, along with working on my novel, I will be finding publications & contests to send my writing to & will be sending out my writing
  7. I will also be posting to my blogs 2-3 times a week
  8. I will use my Punkbeaver livejournal account as a venting ground (hehehe!) &/or problem shooting
  9. I will limit my facebook usage to once a week for 3 hours MAX
  10. During this time, I will also work on setting up a writing schedule and business plan

Ten rules... that should be good, right? Now just so everyone knows, this doesn't mean I'll be incommunicato. If you need to get a hold of me, texts & emails are both grand forms of communication. And there's that talking on the phone thing too.  ;)

And for those of you who might be wondering... here's a bit about my novel in progress:

Working title: Wag, the Neighbors Are Watching

Type of Novel: Distopian (Here's a link to a Wikipedia list of Distopian Literature)

Three Sentence Summary (as it is, right now): Sid, a dogwalker, gets caught up in a government plot to spy on the Nation's citizens. For longer than she even knew, her observations were being used against the very people who trusted her to come into their homes and take care of their pets. As she learns more about what the government is doing, she finds out that the animals she and her cohorts care for are at risk!

Interesting dream:notes

    Primitive farming/manual labor society with no plastic and little metal, but every house had rooms full of useless powerless tech.  Every time I slept I was waking up with weird filaments in my mouth, everyone acted very repressed in curiosity, no one mentioned or toyed with the tech junk, just shuffled it place to place. I woke up and caught a fibrous cord coming from the wall down my throat in the act of retracting, I grabbed and pulled and there was this tech-kokopelli creature that had looked like part of the tech debris.  They were controlling us for our own good, repressing curiosity about old and damaging tech, giving the leaders our work assignments, controlling population. I then started getting crazy assignments to try to kill me off, I started being curious and remembering how things could be used from outside the dream, and spreading the curiosity to others. We were sifting through the junk and looking for working things, trying to re-explain our former society to ourselves after we had been forcibly cut off from it, all while I did ridiculous time-wasters like finding crates of t-shirts advertising bulldogs (which we were amazed by, since they had been eliminated as being veterinarily wasteful) under threat of the kokopelli creatures becoming more public and executing me. Right before waking I had found a bunch of plastic clothes hangers and was touching them in awe, since we had no plastic in use at all.
       And then of course Chowder woke me up because the stoopid schiessevagen was all "screw you, it's cold, I'll only start with Yoni's special touch." 


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